Space Mountain Sucks

So....just in case anyone is still checking in here to see if there are any new posts (and if you are, I give you props for your determination and admirable optimism), I thought I should post a little update to tell you that, um, I'm still not going to be writing anything.  For a while.  Maybe less, maybe more.  God only knows.  And I don't say that facetiously. 

As you know, I was on anti-depressant number four(? I've lost count), and doing o.k. for a while.  But a pattern began to emerge of a couple days of feeling good (and by good I mean functional, not deliriously happy), followed by a few days of feeling not so good (and by not so good I mean dysfunctional, but not quite curled up in a fetal position).  It was a roller coaster that I rode for months because I was convinced that it would straighten itself out eventually.  Well, more like I WANTED it to straighten itself out because I didn't want to call my doctor and tell him that yet ANOTHER med. was not working and apparently I am a freak of nature (my family is already aware of this truth, but I try to hide it from others for as long as possible).

Anyway, about a month ago I slid into the "down" period, and just never came out of it.  And it wasn't just a low point on the roller coaster, it was like the coaster went underground....or in a tunnel....and stayed there.  Space mountain.....only not as fun.  More like being the CEO of Disneyland, alone in the dark in Space Mountain trying to fix a broken track.  With a box full of tools, none of which appears to be the one for the job.  And you don't have a flashlight to find your way out.  But you still have to try to run the entire freaking Disneyland anyway.  'Cause there are little people counting on you.  And you feel VERY guilty at taking away a year or more of their joy while trying to fix the stupid broken down ride.   O.K. .....enough with the analogies.  Let's keep it simple:  life really sucks right now (and when I say it really sucks I mean that the word "hope" is not in my current vocabulary, despite the fact that my Pinterest board is impressively brimming with inspirational quotes that sound good in theory).  I'm really, really back at rock bottom. And that's a place that can by scary sometimes.

So that's where I am.  Seeing a new doctor on June 8th to figure out what major side-effect-inducing chemical to ingest next on my quest for normalcy.  And trying to just survive until then.  I could really use your prayers, friends.