God Never Blinks: Lesson 11

MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR PAST SO IT DOESN'T SCREW UP THE PRESENT.

Quotable Quote: "Big things rarely push you in the hole. Big things you can see coming and avoid. If you see or hear a train coming, you step off the tracks and stay out of the way. It's the small things that knock you down the hole. Things you don't see coming until you look in the rearview mirror."

What are those small things that knock me down the hole that can be connected to my past?

* Feeling socially inept at a gathering
I've never been a good conversationalist. My English professors in college would ask me why I could write such interesting essays and yet have nothing to say in the classroom. It's because I'm wired for the written word. If they asked me a question in class, I would gladly write down a fabulous answer if given the choice, but to try and put the words together vocally in front of my peers was impossible. I was always labeled as "shy" growing up....a word that I came to loathe. I was not shy. Shyness implies not wanting to be around people. I wanted to be the life of the party, the one with the witty stories, the one everyone wanted to sit by and talk to. I just didn't have that skill set. I simply was unable to make small talk without playing back each word I said later in my mind and rating it on a scale from dumb to dumbest. And so I spent a lot of time at get-togethers standing on the sidelines. Still do. To this day I struggle with insecurity every time I have a phone converstaion or I'm with a group of people, even friends I've known for ages. Facebook? The greatest invention of all time for people like me. Because I'm so much cooler online.

* Lack of Validation
What else can set me off? My intelligence being questioned. Why? Because growing up it was all I had. I didn't play sports. I wasn't popular. I wasn't the girl with the fashionable hairstyle and clothes. I didn't excel at anything.....except getting A's. It was the one thing I could be proud of. And it served me well all through college. But then a funny thing happened. I graduated, and I no longer had a letter grade to validate everything I did. As a stay-at-home mom, I don't receive a paycheck, or a raise, or a pat on the back, or a promotion to make me feel good about myself. I'm lucky if I get an occasional "thank you." So when my 12 year old says, "How could you not know that?" or my 15 year old insists that her recollection of a conversation is the correct one, I don't like it much. And they are not impressed when I respond by reminding them of my summa cum laude status. Someone needs to teach these kids some Latin.

So how do I keep stop falling into these "holes?" The author shares an answer that it would do us all well to practice:
"The last time I climbed out of the `I'm not enough' hole, I prayed, `How will I ever believe that I'm good enough?' The answer came in that small still voice from my heart: `By helping others believe that they are good enough.'"