Just Me and the Tree

It's 5:30 a.m. I'm sitting on the living room sofa watching the lights glowing from the Christmas tree. It is peaceful, silent. And for the first time in a long while, I feel the urge to return to my blog. I've missed it, like a friend I haven't seen in a while. I've thought about writing these past months, but instead have remained buried under the weight of something I can't quite put my finger on. Something that caused joy to be held just out of reach....a choice that still eludes me. For joy, after all, is a choice....not like the feeling of happiness that relies on the circumstances surrounding it. And I can't seem to find the power or the means to make that choice. Not even at Christmastime. Not even when I know the source of that power, the means to that end, is the One whose birth we celebrate. But here I sit for now, writing words on a paperless page, drawn back to one of the things that has brought me some happiness in the past, hoping that it will be a stepping stone among many on the road back to peace (which, after all, is where joy finds its roots).

There is so much to talk about, and so little time as even now I hear the sounds of my older kids starting out their day. A shower running, doors slamming in spite of years of warnings to shut them quietly so as not to wake their younger siblings, the dryer started to finish up the load of "I have to have it today!" items. So let's begin quickly with the three most important updates since we last met.

1. CHURCH: Yes, we have finally chosen. We are now attending First Baptist Church of Longview. After months of indecision, we threw in our hat with the folks at First Baptist, and the sense of relief is overwhelming, notwithstanding the undercurrent of grumbling from our older children. They, it seems, are not happy with us for asking them to rate churches and then in the end choosing the one we as parents liked the best. In our defense, please consider the fact that their rating of the churches ended up being based almost entirely on whether or not a friend from school was present at the youth group. Though it was our desire that all of our children would be thrilled with our final choice, such things are the stuff of fairy tales. For now, there are four of us who wake up every Sunday excited to go to church, and it will have to do....because the wandering in the desert had to end sometime. As for myself, I wake up Sunday morning with a smile on my face for the first time in years. I anticipate hearing what God has to say to me that morning through the words of my pastor. His sermons draw me in and speak to me on a weekly basis. I look forward to joining small groups and making new friends. I'm excited by the fact that they have a ministry that focuses on orphans, adoption, and foster care. I'm counting the days until they have their next meeting so I can jump on board. After taking the "Discovery Class" to find out more about the church, I feel certain that it is not just a building, but a people who strive to follow after God's own heart. It is good to have a place to call home.

2. WEIGHT LOSS UPDATE: I have no idea. Being buried under a weight of "joylessness", I refused to step on the scale since my last blog entry. I know my limitations, and the pressure of seeing that number rise and fall was more than I could handle. Without the will-power to exercise, I know that I would have seen more rising than falling. So much for my using the embarrassment of failing to lose weight in front of others as a motivation factor. Apparently I've embarrassed myself enough times that I've become immune to it. So please be patient with me......once I get my spirit back in shape, my body will likely follow. And right now I am focusing on emotional health. Without it, I'm pretty much incompetent to do anything about my physical health.

3. HOMESCHOOL: Yes, you read that correctly. Due to the fact that we've been paying two morgages (our home and our property) for over two years now with no end in sight, we've had to make the difficult (and, I believe, long-overdue) decision to say goodbye to private school for at least two of our children. Because Kylie has only four years left, and has been with the same kids since preschool, she will stay at Three Rivers Christian for as long as we can manage. Which is entirely unfair to Kara. But fairness is not a gift we have access to right now. And though Kara is excelling academically at school, emotionally and socially it is a different story. Public school is not an option for her. Which leaves homeschool as the only choice for us. Kelsea is in 2nd grade right now, and is ahead for her age in all subjects. We could send her to public school through 5th grade, but since the public school system for middle school is not an option for our family, we would pull her out at that point. In the end, it makes more sense for her to homeschool as well. I know she will excel at being able to work at her own pace. As for Kian, well, that's still up in the air. He may or may not have another year of preschool, depending on how far he is able to improve this year with his speech delay and his kindergarten-ready skills. Homeschooling his hyperactive little self would definitely be a challenge for me. We told the girls last weekend that they would not be returning to school after Christmas break. Kelsea cried and said she would miss seeing her best friend every day, but we promised plenty of playdates and she smiled and went on her merry way. Kara took it much harder, which is the understatement of the century, but she is coping as well as she can. I know beyond a doubt that we will see a positive change in her spirit when the stress of middle school is no longer a daily burden for her. Enduring the torment of watching her pain this week is at least tempered by the hope I have for the good that will surely result. As for me, well, I've been a stay-at-home mom for 15 years now, and my vision for the next 14 years was slightly different than the one I now face. It involved a simple but powerful word: freedom. With all four kids in school next year, I would have finally had time to rediscover a bit of my identity and purpose apart from the obviously paramount importance of being my kids' mom. And I still intend to do that....it's just going to take a little more planning. And a lot more sacrifice. And maybe some really good medication.

Well, the cereal is being poured into bowls now, an oral report is being practiced down the hall, and I need to make some donut-hole snowmen for a class party. But I already feel my day starting off a little brighter after spending time here on my blog.

It's been nice catching up with you. Let's do it again soon.