Talking Point Tuesday

10 Things I've Heard as an Adoptive Parent

(and the answers I'd love to share....so I will)

1. Which ones are your real kids?

A former doctor, knowing that I had adopted two kids and had four altogether, asked me once, "Which two are your own?" Ummm....is this a trick question? I told her they were all my own. A better question might have been, "Which are your biological children?" To which I would have responded, nevertheless, "I forget."

2. How much did he/she cost?

My adopted kids cost me nothing. They are actually priceless. If you are interested in the cost of the adoption process I'd be happy to share that information with you.

3. Are they brother and sister?

I assume you mean biologically. My children are brother and sister in every way that matters. How about you? Do your children have the same father? Oops....that's kind of intrusive, isn't it?

4. Do you know who their "real" parents are? Do you know why they were given up?

Well, I've never heard of "fake parents", so I assume you mean their birth parents. The answer to that is yes, and no. As for the rest of the story....I only share that information with family and close friends whom I trust to protect my children's personal privacy. Otherwise, it is their own story to share (or not share) when they are older.

5. We would love to adopt, but we could never afford it.

Neither could we. At all. If money is the only thing standing in your way - there are so many more financial aid options now: scholarships, grants, tax credits, fundraising, and more. And there is God, who has promised He "will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory." The key word here being "needs." If you are following what you believe to be God's call to adopt, then "He will make a way, when there seems to be no way." Just don't send me the bill. :)

6. Your kids are so lucky to have been adopted.

If by "lucky" you mean blessed to have the gift of a family, then yes. But if you mean they are in the ideal situation, then not necessarily. "Lucky" would be to have been born in a country where poverty and communist laws didn't strike your family with insurmountable odds and force them into impossible decisions. "Lucky" would be to have been able to grow up with the love of your biological family and in the culture that runs through your veins. Adoption is a wonderful blessing, but it does not come without the pain of loss. And the truth is this: We are the ones who are allowed the immeasurable gift of loving and being loved by our children, and the equally incredible blessing of sharing in God's plan for their lives.

7. You guys are so great to have done that (adopted).

This makes me uncomfortable. I have no idea how to respond. "Yep, we're pretty awesome." Or "No, we're really more crazy than anything." The real answer lies somewhere else entirely. The truth is....GOD is so great to have chosen us to adopt these kids.

8. A few little pet peeves:

A. Are they Oriental?;

B. I bet she gets good grades in school ("a B is an Asian F.")/Does she play the violin or piano?

C. My uncle/brother/cousin/friend married a Filipino gal he met on the internet.

A. "Oriental" refers to rugs and other decor. "Asian" refers to people.

B. Being Chinese does not guarantee you a high G.P.A. Nor does your race give you special musical abilities. Many Asian kids happen to excel academically and otherwise because of the way they are raised, and the work ethic they are instilled with. It is a result of cultural influence, not genetic racial ability. As a rule, I've found that generalizations are seldom taken positively by any group of people.

C. And I really hope they have a long and happy marriage.

9. Did you hear about (insert adoption horror story)?

O.K. I really don't mind discussing this. As long as we keep in mind that it's not the norm - it's the exception. That's why it's made the news. The other thousands of adoptions last year are all working out just fine. Not perfect.....heaven knows raising children, biological or adopted, comes with unexpected hurdles. But if an adopted child is abused, or his parents stick him on a plane alone back to Russia, it's going to make news simply because it is such a shocking abberation.

10. Adopted/Foster kids have problems that I don't want to deal with.

Yes, sometimes they do. And so do my biological kids. Do they still need and deserve the love of a family? Yes. Could it possibly be the hardest journey you're ever asked to take? Yes. Is adoption/foster care for everyone? Absolutely not. But remember, God doesn't call us to "easy." He calls us to give without counting the cost. To show mercy and compassion. To love as we would want to be loved. To sacrifice our version of perfect, if need be, to receive the incredible blessing of experiencing grace firsthand. He calls us to say, "Sink or swim, I'm diving in," even if it means you don't know where the current will take you.....if it will be smooth waters or rough rapids. He calls us to see the face of Jesus in that of an orphan, and know that maybe we are God's plan for that child, God's Abba love in the flesh. Whether we adopt, or foster, or sponsor, or visit, or financially support, or pray. All of us have something we can do.

Let me close by assuring you that if you've ever said one of these 10 things to me:

A. I probably don't remember

B. I know that 99.9% of the time any question or statement to me about adoption is meant with good intentions

C. I've never been offended by any one of these topics....just slightly amused

D. I'd rather people not be afraid to talk to me about adoption....so please do not carry this list around in your pocket and pull it out next time we are chatting to make sure you don't say "the wrong thing." To be honest, I am far more concerned that I will say something to accidentally offend you. Sadly, I have been known to lay awake at night worrying about that. And I don't want you to.

E. Please ask me any questions you have at all. Adoption is my favorite topic. Besides, never once have I crashed my shopping cart into someone who asked me "Where did you get her?" I just smile and say, "The same place I got all my kids....straight from the hands of God."