What I Learned in the Valley

Five Things I Learned in the Valley

 

 

1.      Don't be ashamed to admit you need help.

I lived far too long in the land of "if only".  If only I tried harder.  If only I prayed more.  If only I were stronger, smarter, saner, I could fix this myself.  I failed to acknowledge that, unlike depression caused by circumstances, clinical depression is caused by changes in the brain.  It is an illness, and as such, cannot be cured simply by trying hard enough to be happy.  The toughest thing for me to do was to call my doctor and admit I needed medical help.  Sadly, I waited until I reached the point of no return before I made that call.  I wish I had done so sooner.

2.     Be prepared for people to misunderstand your depression.

When I went public with my struggle with depression, I encountered some well-meaning but innacurate advice.  The thing I heard the most often (during the rainy months - which is 10 out of 12 in the pacific northwest), was that I just needed to get some more sun and I would feel better.  There IS a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) which can cause depression, but this is NOT the same as clinical depression.  Clinical depression is not caused by circumstances.  It can be worsened or triggered by circumstances, but it is a chemical dysfunction of the brain.  Trust me, when you are clinically depressed, it doesn't matter if you are sitting on a beach in the Bahamas soaking up the sun and drinking mojitos, you will still feel like life is not worth living. 

3.     I have lived through both cancer and depression, and when it comes to which is harder, depression easily takes the prize.

Because depression is an "invisible" illness, it is easy for others to downplay the effect it has on your entire existence.  When you are being treated for cancer, there is an outpouring of support and sympathy.  With cancer, there is physical pain and suffering.  There is fear and doubt.  But my mind was fully functional, and my spirit was intact.  I had the ability to CHOOSE happiness when I was sad, to CHOOSE hope when I was doubting, and to experience God's "ever-present help in times of trouble."  With depression, I could not force myself to be happy even in the happiest of circumstances.  I could not find even the smallest ray of hope that life was even worth fighting for.  And even though God's presence and help were available, I was unable to avail myself of them.  There is nothing worse, at least in my limited experience, than facing ANY struggle without hope, moments of joy, and the awareness that God is on my side.

4.     If you are a parent struggling with depression, your greatest enemy is guilt.

When you are clinically depressed, everything....and I mean everything....becomes harder.  There are the physical things like cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, functioning without sleep, and providing taxi service.  But unlike most other illnesses, there are also the mental challenges.  Conversations, consistancy, discipline, remembering permission slips and appointments, patience, smiling, and simply being present emotionally.  Depression impacts not just the depressed person, but all those around him or her.  The husband who has to pick up the slack with the kids.  The grandmother who helps keep the house from ending up on Hoarders.  The children who, in their immaturity, cannot substitute good intentions for follow-through, or loving thoughts for loving actions.  The all-encompassing impact of two plus years of clinical depression leads to all-encompassing guilt.  An unjustified guilt, to be sure, but a very real guilt nevertheless.

5.     God's presence and goodness are not dependent on my awareness of them. 

When I couldn't see God, He was still visible.  When I couldn't hear God, He was still speaking.  When I felt all alone, He was by my side.  When I doubted His goodness, He was still good.  When I felt worthless, He still called me His child.  When I questioned His plan for my life, He was still in control of my future.  When I felt defeated by pain and hopelessness, He reminded me I am not home yet.
The lyrics to the song below say it all.  I hope they comfort you as much as they have me.

Faithful by Steven Curtis Chapman

I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused,
But You are faithful.  Yes, you are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.  God please help my unbelief!
Cause You are faithful. Yes, you are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.  I will declare it to my heart.
I will sing it when the sun is shining.  I will scream it in the dark.
You are faithful! You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away
Even then still Your name is faithful! You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me, I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue that I know is sure to come
Cause You are faithful.  Yes, you are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises, and I'm holding on because
You are faithful. God, You are faithful.

Though I cannot have the answers that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God and everything is in Your hands.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon, the stars up in the sky.
For the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son on the cross to die.
You are faithful.  Yes, You are faithful.
When you give and when You take away.
Even then, great is Your faithfulness! Great is Your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me, I'm choosing to believe
You're faithful!  Yes, You are faithful!