And How Did That Make You Feel?

This time around, with the new meds, I decided to bite the bullet and see a psychiatrist. I fought against it for so long because of two things: Pride and Prejudice. I didn't want to admit I was desperate and couldn't figure out how to get well on my own, and I didn't believe that a psychiatrist would tell me anything I didn't already learn after years of college psych. classes and a boatload of self-help books. And she didn't. Minutes into our meeting, "Dr. M." shared this shocking news: "You seem to have a problem with perfectionism." You aren't telling me anything I don't know, lady. I'm a perfectionist who is unable to even pursue perfection if she wanted to....whose physical and mental health has stood in the way of every attempt at succeding at things I know full well how to succeed at if given the chance.

I was also informed that I needed to take more time for myself doing things I enjoy, like reading, piano, blogging, etc. I asked her if she was offering to do my laundry, cooking, cleaning, kids' homework, and minivan driving. She said I needed to let some things slide. I told her she should see my house sometime. The laundry room is impassable, the dishes are piled up, and the vacuum is collecting dust. Things are sliding my friend......don't you worry.

The one thing I did gain was insight into the catalyst for my descent into a severe clinical depression over the last five years. There is usually one event that triggers chronic depression in a person who is genetically predisposed to it. Dr. M. asked if there had been any life changes in the last five years that might have been stressful. I listed one thing, and then a couple more, and then I was on a roll. I had never actually sat down and catalogued how many things had changed, and not all for the better.

Over the last five years:

* We moved into a new home.

* We left our church family after over a decade of building friendships and spent a year searching for a new place to land.

* We joined a new church and began the process of finding our place there.

* Roger changed employers, while fighting against the downturn in the real estate industry
that forced other loan officers to quit.

* I began homeschooling, then stopped, then re-started, then stopped.

* My migraines worsened, requiring new treatment and the occasional IV.

* We experienced the extremely painful failure of our adoption of Ricky, and the emotional fallout that I still carry today.

* Kara developed OCD, and her Autism Spectrum Disorder returned.

* My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a mastectomy.

* My brother was hospitalized and was in a coma.

* My only uncle was buried in a landslide from which he barely survived with multiple injuries.
* We adopted a fourth child, and adjusted to the arrival of a two year old with learning and speech delays.

* I faced spiritual struggles and battled bitterness.

* I developed PSVT - Tachycardia which led to extreme fatigue, CT scans, EKG's, and a cardiac catheter procedure.

* A severe case of PSVT required a 911 call and a ride to the hospital to rule out a heart attack.

* Our financial situation declined dramatically due to having to pay two mortgages for so many years. We are currently declaring bankruptcy and will be forced to move out of the home that we love into a rental in the next year.


When I finished with this list, Dr. M. said she wasn't surprised I was depressed. She was surprised I had taken five years to finally hit rock bottom.

My task this week was to begin blogging again. So here it is. And it will most likely be sporadic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go remove the pile of clean clothes from the top of the piano and pound out some chopsticks so I can impress Dr. M. with my level of self-care at my next visit.