To those of you who have been following my blog since the "In Bed With a Mosquito" days, and to those were new followers at "A Golden Harvest".....welcome to my latest (and I promise, final) blog, "The Life You Imagined." It is essentially the "mosquito" blog with a new name. Though I enjoyed writing about our journey in frugal living, I would rather it just be a part of the story and not the whole of it. Plus, the experiment of buying ONLY needs was shot in a desperate trip to Taco Bell, a $1.00 Redbox movie rental, and a visit from the Easter Bunny. Oh yes....we are still living with a "needs only" mentality. We have no choice. But the pressure of fulfilling it to perfection did not mix well with the disease of depression. So now, we do our very best....and trust God to handle the rest.
As for my journey through depression, I am on the uphill road. The last 11 years were spent slowly descending rung by rung down a ladder into a deep pit, while desperately trying in my own power to reverse direction. I somehow managed to hold things together on the outside, but on the inside things were falling apart. My spiritual life was affected, my health suffered, my self-esteem disappeared, and my guilt grew by leaps and bounds. It was only when I finally hit the bottom and found there was nowhere else to go....when the ladder disappeared completely in the darkness and the only option that remained was to stay in the pit forever or end the struggle altogether.....that is when God saved me from myself. Somewhere in the midst of the all-consuming thought of leaving this world behind, He stepped into the small piece of my soul that was still begging for hope to shine through, and led me to seek the help I needed.
During the last two months, I have inched my way back up the ladder toward the light, and with each step I have felt hope begin to make it's home again in my heart. I have felt a desire for God's closeness that I haven't felt in years, a motivation to reach out to others rather than focus on my own problems, and a sense of peace that has been long absent. The food I medicated myself with in the past has been replaced by the promise of a future filled with possibility. Only when I accepted that I had a disease that was medically and not motivationally based and treated it accordingly was I able to able to find the strength within me to start living rather than just surviving.
Though it was God who kept me from drowning, there were others who helped keep the sinking ship of my family's life afloat in the meantime. My mom was at my home all day every day to wash the dishes, do the laundry, and help with the kids. My dad helped with jobs around the house, freeing up Roger to be there for me and the kids in the evenings. My husband and kids put up with me and continued to love me unconditionally, reminding me that that there was still beauty and worth to be found in my life. The kind words of my friends and the prayers I knew were being lifted up for me encouraged me greatly. The meals they provided were a welcome gift on many a desperate evening. I am truly blessed.
Oh....and let's not forget King David. He and I commiserated together through many a 3 a.m. therapy session. My journey from start to finish can be covered in these two passages:
Psalms 13:1-2
How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
And day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Psalms 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the LORD;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
I hope you'll continue to journey with me here on my new blog as I finally seek to live the life I've imagined.
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