Weigh-In Wednesday

Well, well, well......the day has come again. As promised, I got (slightly) physical last week, and exercised on three days. And I neither gained nor lost weight. I did, however, fantasize on several occasions about puncturing myself with a giant knitting needle in the hopes that it is all just trapped air and like a balloon, I would simply deflate. What?.....I sound desperate and a little mentally off-balance? Why yes, I am. In the past I have been able to overcome my feelings of disgust over my weight with humor or with avoiding all reflective surfaces. But now that I am actually doing the right things for the longest consecutive period of time ever with little results, I have switched to another way of not coping.....wallowing in despair. I find myself crying at everything on the television. I find myself getting teary-eyed at every song I hear on the radio. I find myself trying on 13 different shirts each morning until I find not the "best one" but the "least ugly" one. I find myself wanting to blow up the Dairy Queen every time I drive past it.

Now, if you think I need to just find a happy place and go there.....well, I will be happy to accept plane tickets to the Bahamas if you are offering. Oh....you mean a mentally happy place? In all honesty I'm not sure I even remember what that looks like. But it's not for lack of reading hundreds of self-help/spiritual healing/count-your-blessings types of books. The knowledge bucket is overflowing, but the emotional energy is lacking.

I know it's just a season I am in, and like the others, this too shall pass. Unfortunately, I've tied all my happiness to the jumbo jet of weight loss, and the plane seems to be grounded indefinitely. It's time to look for joy outside of my appearance and outside of my success or failure at weight loss. It's easier said than done. But I know that I am meant to have "life abundantly", and spending my limited time on earth dwelling on my failures and fat is not exactly conducive to that.

So, let "Project Get Over Yourself and Focus on Something Else for a Change" begin. That's going to be a lot to fit onto even my plus-size t-shirt. Ahhh....the humor's returning already.